Journeying with my mother

This is a different kind of travel, we are undertaking my mother and I. We are living through our last days together. She is failing and even though both of us know that that final day will come yet the thought of it still weighs me down with its cold stone pebbles of dread that settle in the gut and ache terribly. Like my mother, I am confused at times and I have become more forgetful of the simple routines. I am suffused with such different feelings with the grief that the loss of her would entail alongside the pain of seeing her in pain and extreme discomfort and living a poor excuse for a life. Then I want her not to linger. I suffer guilt because the end of her suffering is also the end of my suffering and uncertainty too

When the RN said that she was in the palliative care stage of her life and he wanted to keep her at the home as long as they could, I prayed for her to die peacefully before her fragile kidneys gave out of her strong heart ceased its remarkably regular beating. My niece the favoured grand-daughter and my sister in law could not contain their grief. I had no words of comfort for them. I have none for myself.

She won't eat and I troll the markets and shops looking for unusual fruit and savoury tidbits to tempt her. She takes one bite or two and can't eat anymore. She ate three cherries today and a fresh date and enjoyed them . The doctor say she is to drink what she likes and not to be concerned about the sugar content of the copious glasses of apple juice and lemonade she is sipping. He is happy she is hydrated. Diabetes is the least of her problems.


I sit and read to her and that way she can drop off without offense as she always wants to be awake when I'm there. Sometimes we reminisce about funny moments and good times. She loves to hear about Audrey's exploits as Audrey is the youngest great-grand-daughter and small as she is- quite a piece of work. My children are coping well for the moment- they have their own lives and this is good. I long for my eldest son to contact me as he is estranged and out of the loop at the moment. I very much want him to see his grand-mother while she is able to talk and laugh.